Sony is hosting a summer showcase tomorrow, one which promises to deal in reveals from third-party partners and a focus on the growing VR arm of Sony's development squad. As of Monday morning when I write this, Sony is being tight-lipped about what will be on show. That could change, but even if it does I'm not going to edit it, as you'll soon see that making a small mistake in the opening paragraff is the least stupid part of this whole article. I'm not even going to go back and correct that spelling error.
We're not really sure if 'reveals' mean new details on existing games (does showing us more of Final Fantasy 16 really count as a 'reveal' and not just 'information'?) or whether it means an actual reveal of a game we don't yet know about. We've seen some leaks, but all of them have the safest, dullest predictions that they feel a lot more like random nobodies playing the percentages than they do real insider information. With that in mind, here's a collection of the stupidest guesses we can think of for the upcoming showcase. If everyone else can make up random leaks, so can we.
Morbius: The Game
After the runaway success of Monthbius (which quickly became the Summer of Morbius), Sony reveals a Morbius game, coming your way this holiday season. You can Morb, bite people, dance around your mansion with your shirt off – you know, classic Morbius stuff. The Circle button has no function other than to make Dr. Michael Morbius spout his classic catchphrases like "it's Morbin' time", "get Morbed, bitch", and "More BS for Morbius, huh?"
Due to the huge success of the movie and his prior engagement on a sex island, Jared Leto is unavailable to reprise his role as the legendary DMM (Doctor Michael Morbius), so the man the myth the legend is voiced by Beyonce instead.
Final Fantasy 17 Reveal, Is Called Final Fantasy 24 Because Why Not
Final Fantasy loves to show its hand way too soon, and with Final Fantasy 16 getting ever closer, you just know Square Enix is itching to show off the next one to let hype build to unimaginable proportions, inevitably making the game a disappointment when it arrives. That's why, instead of showing off more details on the almost-complete Final Fantasy 16, we get a tease for Final Fantasy 17. Having given all the recent Final Fantasys relatively normal numeric names, this game makes the leap to Final Fantasy 24 and nobody ever explains or questions it. Maybe they give the main character a stupid name like Clive or something. Nah, that's too ridiculous.
Insomniac Reveals VR Spider Man
What's that? This one seems like a decent guess and could be really fun? No, I think you misread. I'm not talking about Spider-Man, with the VR web slinging as you traverse gracefully across the city. The game is Spider Man. No hyphen. You play as a male spider and just sort of move around a bit before a cat comes along and eats you. Fun fact – it's actually the cat from Stray! Will these crossovers never cease?
Abandoned Reveal, Is Actually Silent Hill
Lol. Can you imagine, though?
God Of War VR
Sounds cool, right? Unfortunately we play as the Leviathan Axe, meaning it immediately induces motion sickness as we get tossed around, smashing through trees, rocks, and gore-filled bodies. We also spend an uncomfortable amount of time dangling from Kratos' sweaty back, which gives us enough time to think about why that's a really silly place to store an axe. Not that we'd ever tell him that.
Lady Gaga Joins MultiVersus
Apparently these crossovers will not cease. Nintendo has long kept our interest during Directs with the tease of a new Smash fighter reveal, and Sony just straight up steals the idea for MultiVersus. I've been full of praise for MultiVersus during the closed beta, but the leaks of non-Warner Bros. characters like Ted Lasso and Eleven have me worried. Given that Top Gun: Maverick seems to have promo DLC in about 18 different games, Lady Gaga in her Hold My Hand attire makes it an even 19. I will lose every game against her because I want butch mechanic Gaga to kick me in the face.
Everyone Watching Gets An NFT
Literally everyone. Which makes them worthless – exactly as worthless as other NFTs.
Sony Buys McDonalds
Quickly running out of gaming studios to gobble up and eager to level the playing field against Microsoft's acquisition of Activision Blizzard, Sony looks outside of the box and decides to buy up McDonalds. Happy Meals are to be renamed Morbius Meals, and nothing was ever the same.
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